今天和袋熊小哥再次进行了the talk。
上次说起我们的关系，他说他还没做好准备恋爱，我说我准备好了，不想再casual dating，于是我们决定退后一步做朋友。但是自那以后，我们反而联系得更加频繁，尤其他上周来看我之后（因为疫情我们只能在小区停车场里聊天，连家门都没请他进，他还给我投递了威士忌），我感觉还是很被他吸引，他好像也是。所以做好的约定也没有履行，趁着不可收拾之前，我决定再和他聊一次。
我说 I hate to bring this up again since I feel like we’ve already had the talk，但上次说好了要做朋友以后，我们好像又回到了超过朋友的关系。Don’t get me wrong，我也很享受现在的关系，而且没有把握好距离也有我的责任，所以我不是想指责你，但我觉得我们还是需要再聊一聊，说一下彼此的感受和期待。
小哥说 I was wondering the same thing. 现在的时机开始一段关系还是有点weird，但是你特好，又见到你也好开心，所以我开始想要看看这段关系能够走到哪里。
我说虽然我也觉得现在开始一段关系可能时机很不好，但脑海中总有一个声音偷偷说“可是万一呢”。我觉得你也好好，sweet and cute，最关键的是open-minded。如果我们非要给现在的关系下个定义，大概是“seeing each other”，也就是说我不想限制你，你也可以和其他人聊、也可以see other people，但我们达成共识，如果发展顺利，我们可能变得更认真，也接受可能到最后不会有结果的可能。虽然这看起来和casual dating没什么区别，但对我来说，我愿意承担谈不到结果的风险，但不想明知道绝对不会有结果还发展一段关系。
然后我也大方承认我现在还在Tinder上，虽然我老忍不住拿所有人和他比较，觉得谁都不如他好。我可能还会再挂在Tinder上一段时间，直到我们变得exclusive (which is the direction I would like to see)。我也希望我们保持公平，我会一直诚实报告现状，如果变得认真，我也希望我们两方都exclusive。然后也聊到开放关系的可能，我说我思考之后觉得个人来说不能接受，所以也想说清楚这一点，如果这不是他想要的关系，我们也可以趁还早，把话说开。
袋熊小哥回复说，这些都听起来非常合理，他也觉得很同意。“This started as something I didn’t think would be more than a fling, but then you had to go and be gorgeous, fun, smart, and interesting.” （Aww）他说他对于我现在继续探索选项没有任何问题，但如果我们走到exclusive (and if things go well we will be)，也希望这是双方的规则。虽然他觉得自己更open to polyamory，但只是“可能接受”，而不是“需要”。尤其是如果我觉得不能接受，他就更不想要。他说觉得我们两个都是很open很讲道理的人，也很开心我们能进行这次对话。
最后他说，如果我以后还有任何顾虑，一定要和他讲。“I’m always willing to talk.”
聊完之后觉得他真好T T。认识的半年以来，他一直很温暖、很supportive，有时候我都觉得自己无理取闹是个大麻烦，他也很有耐心。（他就是劝我不要对自己太凶、说觉得我不够欣赏自己，所以他要替我欣赏的人。）从我去博士面试，到博士申请失败，到硕士顺利毕业，又开始投简历，后来工作面试，最近又在考虑再申博时要不要转转行……喜怒哀乐，他一直都是“超级相信你，你超棒的”、偶尔“虽然听不懂你在说什么但是感觉很厉害的样子”。有一次我半途崩溃，开玩笑说要不我放弃吧，我去do porn。他也半开玩笑地接话说可以啊，我支持你，我会视频剪辑还上过电影制作课，我可以帮你。我LOL。接着他又正色说，please talk to me more about your career decisions tomorrow. You’re wonderful and I want good things to happen in your life (sparkling heart emoji)。看到时觉得自己仿佛要被融化。
我天马行空的想法，他也有认真接住。我们曾经花一个下午辩论为什么虾的图像不是虾；或是我假装把大脑移植到机器上变成了半机器人，他就问我和我是人时生活有什么不同（说出来感觉有点羞耻哈哈，感觉我俩好dorky）。但最重要的是，他从来都是以开放的心态面对事物，我从来没有担心过有什么事不能和他说。和他在一起，我觉得很安全、很放松。我很确定我们还会遇到好多意见不合，但也越来越觉得有什么事说开了就好，不会担心让人身心俱疲的吵架。
其实刚认识时，他并不是很擅长沟通。有时我问他什么，他不知道怎么回答就干脆不回答，我晾在一边觉得气血攻心。那时候我也有好好和他讲，说你不回答我会觉得很受伤，我想要多了解你，所以才会问你那么多问题。他每次好好回答时，我也会很开心地说谢谢你和我说这些，你表达能力好强。慢慢地，觉得他也更加信任我了。还会主动和我说你要是有什么想问我的就尽管问！我们都在一起变成更好的人。
遇到他真的好幸运。I think I’m ready to get my heart broken again.
Eng convo:
Me: I hate to bring this up again since I feel like we’ve already had the talk, but after I said I just want to be friends if you are not ready for something serious, we kind of fell back to being more than friends. And don’t get me wrong, I am enjoying this, and I contributed to this falling back, so I’m not trying to accuse you or anything. I just think we need to talk about this, our feelings, and our expectations, etc. What do you think?
Him: I was wondering the same thing. I think it is a weird time to start any sort of relationship but also you’re pretty amazing. It was really nice seeing you again and it makes me want to see where that goes.
Me: I think I also want to see where this goes. After we meet again, my feelings for you had been growing. You are really sweet and cute, and most importantly, very open-minded. I agree this is a weird time to start anything, but I still have this voice in me thinking, “what if…”
If we really need to define what we’re doing now, it’s probably “seeing each other”, if you’d agree. It means I don’t want to restrict you, it’s okay to see or talk to other people at the same time, with the possibility that things may get more serious if it feels right, also with the possibility that nothing will get out of this.
The result might seem like the same as just casual dating. But for me, like I said before, I don’t want to just casual date anymore. I would take the risk that there will be no result, but I can’t get into something knowing there definitely won’t be any results. I hope this makes sense.
And just to be open with you, I am still on Tinder now. I was talking to some people, but I find myself keep comparing them to you. No one was as fun to talk to, as open-minded, and made me feel interested enough to keep the conversation going. I probably will stay on Tinder for a while until things get more exclusive (which is the direction I would like to see). And just to be clear, I’m still keeping social distancing with all other people so I do not intend to meet up with anyone until maybe late September or something.
Either way, I would like us to always be equal. I will always tell you if there’s someone else, and if we become exclusive, it’s exclusive on both sides. So unfortunately I’m still not okay with polyamory. I want to be clear about this, so if you feel like this is not something you want, it’s better if we talk about this now before some broken hearts happen.
Him: This all makes sense and I’m glad you took the time to write it out. I have similar feelings, I have a lot of fun talking to you and I want to get to know you better. This started as something I didn’t think would be more than a fling, but then you had to go and be gorgeous, fun, smart, and interesting. And I definitely agree that we should be equal; I don’t have any problem with you exploring your options or seeing other people, but if we’re ever exclusive (and if things go well we will be) it’s a two-way street. I’d consider myself more “open to polyamory”. Like I might be ok with it, but it’s not something I need, especially not if it would make you uncomfortable. I feel like we’re both pretty reasonable and open-minded people and I’m glad we can talk about this.
If you ever have other concerns or questions please tell me; I’m always willing to talk.