花样的年华 月样的精神 / 冰雪样的聪明 / 募地里这孤岛 笼罩着惨雾愁云 / 惨雾愁云 / 几时我 能见那雾消云散 / 重见你 放出光明
In full disclosure, my 2021 was messy, confusing, and depressing. For some reason, the lyrics match well with my state of mind. Looking back, I kept wondering if I could have done 2021 better. I mean, I moved to a new country; I started a PhD program, finally. There was so much potential, and my year was just…blank.
To be fair, it wasn’t entirely blank, but it felt like it. I was so depressed, so drunk, and so lost. I walked down the street at 1 am by myself, with tears streaming down my face. I sat by the lake, smoking, and staring into space. If I summarize my 2021 with a short clip, this would be it.
Have you ever been in so much pain, you can still feel it just looking back? I can’t even write this article in Chinese, because using my mother tongue to express the emotions overwhelms me. I’m grateful English grants me a new exit, an escape. Leaving doesn’t always equal to hope, but at least in the moment, I don’t have to be here.
Several things I have done right this year:
- Started therapy
- Converted to pescetarian
- Learned Spanish for 6 months
- Completed the 5k training
- Got a new piano
- Tried smoking and quit in two weeks
Next year, I have two goals:
- Be very very gay
- Learn French
I don’t want to keep running away, so maybe this year, I’ll try staying instead. If fixing it is too hard, at least face it and deal with it.
Have a good year.
Yours,
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