Okay, I have gathered my thoughts. First I want to acknowledge that how you are feeling is valid, and I have definitely had similar feelings where I feel like I am inadequate or am disappointing people, so I close off or try to run away. This is probably from your past experience, and it’s not your fault for feeling that way.
That being said, the version of you in my eyes, or to say the version you have shown me so far is so so much better than you thought. This is not to say that I don’t think there are challenges here and there, but I think like the video said, challenges are part of the natural experience. There might even be times where you have serious doubts about whether you can be in a relationship or whether you can “be good enough for me”, and that is okay too. I think it’s just part of human nature that we run away from any type of challenges, like god knows how many times I have thought about quitting my phd, but every time I calm down and reflect on it more, I make the decision to stay. I don’t think this means at all that I don’t love what I do, or I’m not taking it seriously, or I’m a horrible person who can’t make up my mind. Rather, I think I’m taking it very seriously and I want to give it my best, that’s why I consistently think about it, doubt it, and challenge myself for it. I want to believe that this is similar to how you feel about me, too.
Of course, I’m a human being so it’s more complicated than a career. You also have to worry about my feelings in this process. But as challenging as it might be, I can take a few hits or two, and you also are stronger than you thought. More importantly, we are in this together, and we are a great team at tackling things.
So next time you have doubts or are overwhelmed, instead of running away from those thoughts and shut down, I want you to try to face it and just focus on one small thing: what brings you happiness. Unless one day I am no longer the answer, I hope you would still be here with me, because you are good enough. And I promise you that if it’s no longer working for me, I will also be honest with you. So unless that happens, I’m still very much in it.
Also I say you are good enough of course not because I have low standards or I’m just being overly understanding and tolerating you. It’s because literally human beings are all flawed, and your feelings and needs are as valid as the next person. Maybe people vary on the type of challenge or the amount of challenges they face, but that’s just because they haven’t had your experience or had to go through what you have gone through. I hear you when you say you don’t relate your feelings to other people, so I want to be explicit about this and tell you that you are 100% worthy of love, and are definitely worthy of my love 💜💜💜
And the last point I want to make is that I really appreciate what you want for me, but I don’t need moon and stars. What I want is actually just the simple things. Like a good morning text from you always brings me so much happiness. Taking a walk with you, watching tv, eating together, having tea, watching the bugs and birds, these are the moments I really want to have with you. Again I’m gonna use my career as an example. If my goal is to become THE most successful psychologist in the field, I’m gonna be so overwhelmed and I can never live up to that standard, and eventually I might just want to quit. But if my goal is to show up consistently, put into effort everyday, and take breaks when I need, I can do this for a long time. And this is what I want for us. Not some grand gestures, just you and me, loving each other and caring for each other one day at a time, as much as we can depending on the day.